i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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