Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Do you remember whose house we're in?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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