Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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