I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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