Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
