I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
