My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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