Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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