Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
