it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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