After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Randomize