I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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