I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
