I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
