im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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