This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
