i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
