All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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