I heard we made out
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize