now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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