I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
