I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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