you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
