i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
