I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
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