Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Randomize
