Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
