please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
