She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
