We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
