Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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