Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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