I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
North Korea, Best Korea!
That's when you crack a 10am beer
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
