Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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