I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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