Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
