My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
There's a naked man in my car right now.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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