I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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