Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Life is so much better after having sex.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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