Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Of course I have a pirate flag
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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