now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
