Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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