I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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