Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize