I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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