all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
did i walk over a car last night?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
