dude i'm inner monologue high
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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