i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
