I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
