I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
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