is your mom at the bar?
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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