Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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