Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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