the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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