he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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