So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
