And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
be right there i have to get my cape
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
