This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
