omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
