Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
