I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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