I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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