this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
