Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
